Loner's Tip No. 11 - Twilight's Symphony

It's 7 am in my country, and I am in love. Before the world starts accusing me of cheating, let me add that the person I have fallen in love with is – Myself.

Having slept at 2 am last night, when I was woken up at 5 am to drive across half the city, I didn't know what was in store. As I drove through the city, through the same roads which are a mental torture to any sane man, I realized that something was different. The air had a lustful gentleness to it, the kind that is not polluted by man's blindness of mortal achievements, the roads were empty except a few stray dogs, who for a change did not bark or chase me which they usually do when man tries simple, innocuous things as driving back home, and the only sound in the air was the gentle murmur of the engine of my motorcycle, a playfully occasional grind of the road against an unloaded truck which passed by at surprisingly gentle speeds, and for once not intending to kill you simply because you dared to venture on the road. The gentle darkness slowly dissolved into varying shades of blue with such slow speed that you would wonder if you were a superman flying in outer space, watching the orb of the world rotating gently and breaking the bonds of the darkness which envelops half the world at any given moment.

If such peace existed before in this city, I never found out for I was always too busy hating it for what it doesn't let me have. But the morning changed everything. And just while I drove through, searing the air and the much wanted moments of loneliness, singing on top of my horible voice, I realized that something effused out of me – like a stream of water breaks the surface of hard and unrelenting earth – a happiness I had never known, a comfort I had never realized, a peace which I knew would never go out of me – and all this, I knew, only and only belonging to me. And I fell in love with me. Like many others, I had made my mistakes of wondering with a heavy heart as to why my troubles would not go away on their own, why couldn't I hide somewhere so they couldn't find me. But this morning, I realized that the only happiness that exists in this world is the friction of my breaths against my nostrils, the expansion of my chest a couple of times a minute that keeps me living – that I live. All else has no value. Never have a I felt so happy, never so much at peace.

So now, the loner who fell in love has this much to tell – give into a morning of your choice and let the city love you back, take you in her arms like a seductress waiting to please you and seduce your senses. Sometimes, you don't need to feel lonely to seek an escape.

Though unrelated slightly, just after I had dared to challenge millions of poets and writer who lived before me, and who said that romance and love thrive in the secluded darkness of the nights or the crimson skies that preceded those nights, I remembered this poem by William Wordsworth, which I believe he wrote one a similar morning of 3rd September 1802, gazing at the beautiful, legendary city of London, while standing at the Westminster Bridge. One of my favourites, no so much for the description of a legendary city in its true grandeur, but for the fact that the poem, and the city would have been incomplete without that effusive morning on which it was written:

Earth not hath anything to show more fair:
Dull would he be of soul who could pass by
A sight so touching in its majesty:
This city now like a garment doth, wear
The beauty of the morning; silent, bare
Ships, towers, domes, theatres and temples lie
Open unto the fields, and to the sky;
All bright and glittering in the smokeless air.

Never did sun more beautifully steep
In his first splendor, valley, rock, or hill;
Ne'er saw I, never felt, a calm so deep!
The river glideth at his own sweet will:
Dear God! The very houses seem asleep;
And all that mighty heart is lying still!

Images and text are copyright of the author.

Loner's Tip No. 9 - Hope's Story

Not very long ago, in a beautiful and pristine village, far away from the greeds of humanity, lived a little girl named Hope. Her mother, a very beautiful woman, was Lily. Hope's father, James – a God-fearing, courageous, hard working and a honest man. Together, they formed the happiest family, so happy that others said that their smiles could turn someone's misfortune into good luck. One day, as fate would have it, the loving Lily died. Just before she closed her eyes, she made James promise that he would look after Hope.
A few years passed. All the while James, struggling with his loss and loneliness, tried all to take care of little Hope. After all, she was all that was left of Lily. Soon he found his loneliness overwhelming him. He married Desire, a beautiful woman, full of promises of love and togetherness. Little Hope's happiness knew no bounds for she had a mother again. No one knew, that Desire was not a human. She was a witch.
Soon, Desire's spells started working on James, who in turn started to believe that Hope was possessed by an evil spirit. He would not talk to Hope any more, would not listen to her, would stay away from her, and was rude to her. Hope, in turn, would sulk in silence, wondering what she did to annoy God. Soon James decided, with enough grief and helplessness, that it was in everyone's best interest that he and Desire run away from Hope. So one night, while the poor angel was asleep, dreaming of the good days when her father loved her, James and Desire eloped.
Just as they were running away, Hope woke up and caught the sight of them. She screamed of fear, she called for her. Hope ran behind him, all the while calling him, urging him to come back. Soon she reached a very dark forest, it was so dark that she could not see her own fingertips. There were sounds of wild animals and smell of a lonely winter in the air. James was nowhere to be seen. She was scared to her bones. She had only taken a few more steps when the ground below her melted and she fell into it. It was Mr. QuickSand. She struggled, cried and wailed, "Let me go, please. My father. I need to stop him." "No," came the loud voice from the molten ground. Mr. QuickSand's voice was like dark clouds thundering. He gave a demonic laugh, the most vile one she had ever heard. She shivered in fear and tried hard to free herself of that evil quicksand. The more she tried, the quicker she sank. Just when she was sunk till her shoulders, she cried, wished her mother as alive. And then, as if by magic, a ball of light appeared and started to hover over the pool of quicksand. Hope watched as the flying ball of light became a shape and Lily's spirit appeared.....
A flash of happiness ran through Hope, “Mommy,” she screamed, all the while trying hard to reach out to Lily. She sank 2 inches deeper in the quicksand. Mr. QuickSand laughed again.
“Calm down, sweetheart, calm down,” the spirit said.
Hope wanted that the spirit embrace her in her arms. The thought made her cry again. She wept so much that for a moment Mr. QuickSand thought that her tears would dissolve him. Hope tried to pull her hands out so that she could reach the spirit but she only sank more.
“Calm down, honey. Don't move. Mr. QuickSand won't hurt you if you be a good girl and stay still,” Lily's spirit looked at Mr QuickSand and smiled. He smiled back. Hope could not understand this acquaintance and kept weeping. Lily kept consoling her. Finally, after an hour, Hope wiped her face and nose.
“Daddy went away,” she said. Lily's spirit nodded.
“Desire took him,” Hope took a deep breath. Lily's spirit wondered if she would cry again.
“I want to go to Daddy," Hope started to cry again. Lily was patient.
“Why do you want to go to Daddy, sweetheart?” Lily asked after a while.
“Because I love him,” pleaded Hope.
“But you can still love him when he is away.”
“No,” Hope wailed again. “I want to be with him. I feel happy when he is around.”
“But you can still be happy without him.”
“How can I, Mommy? If I love Daddy and if he is not around, how can I be happy?”
Lily's spirit was thoughtful for a moment. That was a valid question. “Tell me sweetheart, do you believe that when you love someone, you should be happy as well?” Hope didn't understand the question. Mr. QuickSand on the other hand found the discussion curious and paid all his attention to the apparition. “Do you think that Love always comes with Happiness and never without it?” Lily asked after thinking for a while.
Hope was thoughtful for a while before she replied, “Yes, Mommy. I feel happy whenever Daddy is around. I love my friends as well and I feel happy when they are around. And they also feel the same. Those who love, they should always be happy, isn't it, Mommy?” Her innocence, momentarily, moved Mr. QuickSand.
“You're making a mistake sweetheart,” Lily's spirit said, “All of us, while we live, take it for granted that happiness will always go hand in hand with love.” Hope was still confused. Mr. QuickSand was all ears. Lily continued, “You see, child, we are all born with little gaps and holes in our hearts, which we try to fill all our lives. Love always begins when we, in the depths of our hearts and spirits, find someone whom we believe can fill those little gaps in us. Its just like children – not all children are friends with each other. You only make friends with someone you like. Isn't it?” Hope nodded, she was starting to understand.
Lily said, “And when we find that someone who can fill our gaps then the first thing we want is to have him or her fall in love with . We secretly harbour the desire to be loved back similarly as we love that person. And it hurts when we don't get loved in return.” After a momentary silence, Lily said, “Where I come from, there are people who only went there because they ended their lives when they were not loved back in return.”
Hope interrupted, “Mommy, are you talking about the kind of love you fell in with Daddy before you two were married?”
“No sweetheart, I am talking about all kinds of love that there is – between you and Daddy, between you and me, between me and Daddy, between you and your friends,” Lily explained. "And when you'll grow up, between you and the man you'll love."
Hope was lost again, “But Mommy, I have always loved you and Daddy. And you too have also loved me back always. I never had to want and wait for you to love me back. You two always loved me, isn't it?”
“And we will always do so, sweetheart. But when it comes to us, you see, even before you were born, we knew you would complete our little world, and we loved you even before you came to this world. And for you, as soon as you were born, we were around for you – loving you, taking care of you, protecting you, nurturing you – and you loved us back. So neither of us had a point in time when we waited for the other to love us, we were always there for each other. But now, when your Daddy is not there for you, your desire to be loved back is hurting you.” Lily looked at Mr. QuickSand. He nodded.
“But Mommy, I can't help but feel sad when Daddy is going away.”
“That's true, honey. That's what makes us human. But you see, in doing so, you depend entirely on your Daddy to be happy. You are wanting for a happiness whose presence depends on another person to love you back. What you should want is to be happy from inside – from inside yourself.”
“How can I do that – be happy from inside?” Hope asked inquisitively.
“First of all, by believing that it was only in your control to love someone. It is just not in your control to have that person love you back. Loving someone was your choice, being loved back is good fortune. Not being loved will hurt as it hurts all good and pure human beings like you, but that needs to be endured, for it will pass with time. Other than time, there is no other cure for it. If you try to fight it and try forcefully to get someone to love you back, it will hurt even more.”
It was then Hope understood how this pool of quicksand had suddenly appeared beneath her feet. Now she knew why she sank deeper each time she struggled to get out. Now she noticed that all the while, she had been listening to her mother peacefully, without fighting, she had not sunk any more.
Lily's spirit said, “Whenever someone tries to get love forcefully, Mr. QuickSand comes in their path and they fall into it. And from then, the more they struggle, the more they sink.”
Hope was silent. Lily understood what question swam in her daughter's innocent, deep black eyes. “Time, my child. Time is the only cure. You just need to stay still, let it hurt you as much as it can without you loosing your goodness, and then it will pass and someone you deserve, will pull you out. Just let it pass.”
Mr. QuickSand nodded with a smile mixed with a small part of pride which comes when someone explains how perfectly one works in his purpose.
“But why Daddy? All Daddy's love their daughters. Why doesn't my Daddy love me?” Hope was getting violent, she . It didn't help except that she sank two more inches, she said, “I don't want to live. I'll kill myself.” With this, the heart broken little girl pushed herself inside the pool of quicksand. Her head was just under the surface. She pushed hard to reach deeper, just then she felt her body fly out in the air and fall back in the pool of quicksand, sinking only as much as she was before she tried to force herself in.
Mr. QuickSand said, his thunderous voice mixed with calculated anger and purpose, like that of her school headmaster's, “It's a sin, my dear to try and end one's life. It's a sad thing that my entire existence depends upon the suffering of others but this is my role in this world and I play it well. It doesn't please me watching children, young and old struggle in my depths after having themselves enslaved to someone else for their peace of mind. Sometimes, I hate myself. But what should I do? Find a lake and dissolve myself into it? End my misery? No. I still do it for it is my very purpose. I find my happiness in the fact that my purpose is fulfilled, that my existence is justified and put to a lesson-teaching use. I can only help you realize the truth about your troubles, to make you strong enough to face your troubles, but I'll not help you end them like this.”
Hope's cries reduced to sobs and soon she was quiet. In the moments of silence that followed, Hope and Lily kept watching at each other, while Mr. QuickSand took a quick nap that one deserves after a long and hard working day.
Hope broke the silence finally, “I'm sorry Mr. QuickSand. I'm sorry, Mommy. I understood it all now.” Lily's spirit felt as if, within a moment, by some magic, her little girl had grown up. Hope continued, “I understand that I can only love someone but not have them love me back necessarily. That's not in my control, so no point being sad for that. It will hurt but it will pass if I endure it with peace and faith. Life will bring something new, even better, in some other form. If I keep worrying over what's been lost, I'll never be able to recognise when life gives it back to me in a disguise. I need to wait, enduring the pain, and it will pass. If I don't endure with patience, I'll fall into Mr. QuickSand again and the more I struggle there, the more I will sink.”
Mr. QuickSand gave a Santa Clause type laugh and said, “There you go child. There you go.”
Lily's spirit nodded. She could not cry for she was a spirit without body or else, she would have. She added, “Very true, my angel. And remember, this is true for all kinds of love...”
“Between Daddy and me, you and me, me and my friends, me and the man I'll love...,” Just then Hope realized what she had said more than she needed to. She looked at her mother and they both broke into giggles. Mr. QuickSand joined in.
Just then they heard some footsteps.
“Dadd...,” Hope was about to speak up when she saw Lily looking at her with contracted eye brows and a smile on her face. Hope understood. She would follow her lessons.
“Hide, quick,” Mr. QuickSand said.
Soon, an old, childless couple passing near by spotted Hope. They threw her a rope and hauled her out. "Where are your parents, child? What are you doing here?" the old woman asked.
"I am alone," Hope said.
“Oh my child,” said the old woman and held her in her arms. Tightly. “We do not have anybody of our own. Will you come with us, child? Will you be our little daughter?”
“Look at your age, Jasmine,” the smiling old man said, “We can only be grand parents.”
They all laughed. Hope started to walk with them. She sneaked a look back and found Lily's spirit waving at her with a smile on her face. Mr. QuickSand quickly wiped a tear from his eye and whispered, “Bless you, my child. May your story be told for generations to come. Those who have loved and lost, may they find peace and strength in your lessons and endurance tonight. And may the world see the true virtue of love.”

Images and text are copyright of the author.